A Country Girl’s Meditation in the City

When I walk in the city I am afraid. Not of the cars or the people or the culture I don't always understand. I'm afraid of losing what I love. When I walk past the homes of the wealthy with BNWs parked in front, I see the bags of good mulch leaves left out for garbage pickup. The roots of an old oak still push up the concrete and asphalt, pushing down below the ground where everything is still free, its last remaining leaves dancing in the road. A pine tree rustles up ahead, but its whispering voice is overcome by the sound of sirens rushing past. When I finally reach the river—that beautiful running water that runs through Boston, I see the sun reflecting on the little waves and the geese flying low, staying for the winter because they know there will be enough food. Runners pass me constantly, their iPods to their ears, blocking out not only the traffic, but also the soft lapping of the water on the bank. Garbage floats in the corners and I turn into the little patch of woods that reminds me that nature still exists. The trees are young and small, growing on the roots of the large trees that once towered over the place and are now probably a rotting boat somewhere on the harbor. Robins and jays pick their way through the leaves, rustling and calling each other until a car horn drowns their voices.

And then I am really afraid. I am afraid that there are no wild places left, that since my leaving, the open places and the forest places have been swallowed up by concrete and asphalt, that all rivers are running with sewage and pollution, that every place is now full of the sound of cars and the smell of fumes. I try to smell the crisp autumn air full of the tangy smell of rotting leaves, but I catch only a whiff beyond the exhaust and the lady's perfume up ahead. I can't feel the soft spongy earth beneath my feet because nearly every inch is covered in walking trails. A few old trees are left in that corner, to be sure. What have they seen? Have they seen the demise of the forest and the fishing grounds that these places once were? When I look, I can see no place to retreat. There are just miles and miles of concrete jungle and brick building, concrete sidewalks and traffic jams.

I am constantly reminded in the city how important our countryside is, how important the wild places are, how important it is that we learn to live with and on the land in a way that will allow future generations to not only survive but thrive. I am reminded that we are all interconnected—human beings and the cycle of life, the wild animals and the farm creatures that feed us, the forests and the rivers.

Perhaps what scares me most in the city is that it is hard to find God. I can see God in the faces of the people that I meet and in the little cracks of nature that appear in broken sidewalks. But I always hear God's voice best in the wild places.

Wendell Berry shares my fear in his poem, A Timbered Choir.

Even while I dreamed I prayed that what I saw was only fear and no foretelling,
for I saw the last known landscape destroyed for the sake
of the objective, the soil bludgeoned, the rock blasted.
Those who had wanted to go home would never get there now.

I visited the offices where for the sake of the objective the planners planned
at blank desks set in rows. I visited the loud factories
where the machines were made that would drive ever forward
toward the objective. I saw the forest reduced to stumps and gullies; I saw
the poisoned river, the mountain cast into the valley;
I came to the city that nobody recognized because it looked like every other city.
I saw the passages worn by the unnumbered
footfalls of those whose eyes were fixed upon the objective.

Their passing had obliterated the graves and the monuments
of those who had died in pursuit of the objective
and who had long ago forever been forgotten, according
to the inevitable rule that those who have forgotten forget
that they have forgotten. Men, women, and children now pursued the objective
as if nobody ever had pursued it before.

…the once-enslaved, the once-oppressed were now free
to sell themselves to the highest bidder
and to enter the best paying prisons
in pursuit of the objective, which was the destruction of all enemies,
which was the destruction of all obstacles, which was the destruction of all objects,
which was to clear the way to victory, which was to clear the way to promotion, to salvation, to progress,
to the completed sale, to the signature
on the contract, which was to clear the way
to self-realization, to self-creation, from which nobody who ever wanted to go home
would ever get there now, for every remembered place
had been displaced; the signposts had been bent to the ground and covered over.

Every place had been displaced, every love
unloved, every vow unsworn, every word unmeant
to make way for the passage of the crowd
of the individuated, the autonomous, the self-actuated, the homeless
with their many eyes opened toward the objective
which they did not yet perceive in the far distance,
having never known where they were going,
having never known where they came from.